Non Conflict Communication by KKKoski
Have you ever watched blustery weather, silently from the comfort and protection of a closed room? Outside the trees are swaying ferociously, the clouds are darting past- swollen with angry color and the ground seems hell bent on quaking... but you are inside and it is silent and you are comfortable and you know that you are safe. That’s how life feels to me, once I started learning non conflict communication.
I have been reactive in my life, oh yes I have felt anger and resentment. I’m certain that everyone has. I have had challenges within my family, my neighborhood and within my professional life. I have been at that point that I was so tired of the accumulated betrayals, that I had to look at my own life, to see why those patterns continually happen. I’m not a victim. Why do I allow this to always happen.
I learned I am the fixer upper. I validate people’s outbursts based on their obvious frustration, their internal hurts or their desire to take, conquer and posses.
I’m not made that way so the give/take can work because we were balancing a need/want relationship. Regardless if one or the other is benefitting and to what degree.
One day when I had decided I wasn’t going to be treated that way, and that I deserved to be acknowledged and benefit equally- the previously established balance became upset and both of us become angry. Note; I said both of us.
I have had the need to expose bad behaviour because I believed if it could be identified then it could be corrected. Awareness helps bring attention to unacceptable actions and we benefit from learning. What I have found out, is that in doing so, the people exposed feel angered that they have been reprimanded and most often will feel defiant and try to blame you.
Then the name calling, personality -identifying comes out. You are too sensitive, you are too negative and vise versa; you are a bully, you are unethical, you are selfish, you are a liar. Then you punish each other by not speaking at all. The act of being shunned has been one of the cruelest hurts that I have ever endured. I think I would rather be beaten.
I have come to know that the unawakened cannot fathom they have done anything wrong and I note that when scrutinized, their self entitlement goes a little over the top. They act out in punishment. For the most part, mankind needs to learn compassion.
I am learning to have compassion.
World over, we see these actions in relationship breakdowns and waring countries.
This is human nature. This is war fare. This is life.
I started taking non conflict communication learning courses to try to encourage communication about issues that in my own household, are forbidden to be spoken of. It’s a slow process, that I now have a healthy detachment from. I literally spent 5 years in complete sorrow and anguish and that affected my health. One would imagine that I would have been coddled and consoled but the opposite happened. I was shunned and ultimatums were imposed. This sounds like political war doesn’t it?
Then I realized I was being punished because I initiated shame. The human ego cannot tolerate knowing flaws. Most people will fight that vehemently. I had to learn that this sore spot must be treated delicately. The true strength and power goes to the person who can acknowledge the hurt in someone who is not getting their way, but do so gently and with compassion, teaching them more or less, along the way.
There is quite a bit of self depreciation in the art of non conflict communication but its also a huge validator of maturity and strength of character.
When betrayed and offended we have the right to express it. Then and hopefully with comfort, communication can start to resolve and come to a place of understanding. Without that happening - conflict will always prevail.
by Karyn Klaire Koski
an optimistic
